Over 25 million Americans—19.1 million women and 6.4 million men—have experienced stalking. I am one of them. For more than a decade, I was the unwilling main character in someone else’s twisted fantasy. What began as a casual workplace acquaintance turned into a nightmare that followed me across state lines, through every social channel, and into the darkest corners of my mind.
This is what I wish I had known—before the emails, the voicemails, the letters, and the constant fear. Before I started sleeping with weapons beside my bed. Before I realized that dealing with a stalker isn’t just about survival—it’s about learning how not to lose yourself in the process.
It Started With a Business Trip—And Never Ended
In 2009, I traveled to Manhattan for work. That’s where I met “Joe”—a coworker who seemed harmless at first. A few months later, I opened my front door to find him standing on my porch. He had traveled more than 1,000 miles just to see me, uninvited and unannounced.
It was unsettling, but I brushed it off. I wish I hadn’t.
The messages started soon after. Calls. Emails. Handwritten letters. Social media posts. Packages with T-shirts covered in love quotes. Messages that danced on the edge between affection and threat. My home, once a sanctuary, felt like a trap.
That’s when I started arming myself, placing weapons in every room. And that’s when I started fighting a war I didn’t choose.
What Stalking Really Looks Like
Stalking is not persistence. It is psychological terrorism.
According to the National Institute of Justice, stalking is defined as “a course of conduct directed at a specific person that involves repeated visual or physical proximity, nonconsensual communication, or threats” that cause fear.
Dr. Bahiyyah Muhammad, a criminology expert at Howard University, puts it more bluntly:
“When you’re afraid to answer your phone or look out your window, that’s stalking.”
Stalkers use every available tool—text messages, phone calls, social media, mail, even your friends or family. It’s a methodical erosion of your freedom, safety, and sanity.
Inside the Mind of a Stalker
According to Michael Proctor, retired detective and author of Antidote for a Stalker, there are three main types:
- Intimate Partner Stalkers – Ex-partners who can’t let go
- Acquaintance Stalkers – Colleagues, classmates, or casual friends
- Stranger Stalkers – Individuals with no prior relationship
What they all have in common is obsession and control. Many stalkers are deeply insecure, fueled by rejection or perceived slights. In their minds, you belong to them—and the idea that you could say “no” is unbearable.
They don’t see you as a person. They see you as an object to possess—or punish.
What I Did Wrong—and What I’d Do Differently
Looking back, my first and biggest mistake was responding.
Every time I told him to stop, yelled, or pleaded, it only fed his obsession. Experts now tell me that any response—even anger—is interpreted as engagement. Silence, not confrontation, is the real weapon.
My second mistake was not documenting everything from the beginning. Proctor strongly recommends keeping a stalking log:
- Date and time of every incident
- Screenshots of texts, emails, and messages
- Physical evidence like letters and packages
- Descriptions of how it made you feel
This log becomes your legal sword if things escalate.
The Reality About Restraining Orders
Here’s what I wish someone had told me sooner:
“A restraining order is just a piece of paper—unless someone is willing to enforce it.” – Michael Proctor
In many cases, stalkers ignore protective orders, and some even escalate once served. That’s why it’s crucial to work with detectives or Special Victims Units, not just beat cops. Specialized units are more likely to understand the nuances and urgency of stalking cases.
What You Can Do if You’re Being Stalked
If you’re being stalked—or suspect you are—here’s what experts recommend:
1. Cut Off Contact Completely
Do not answer texts, calls, emails, or social media messages. Silence is your strongest response.
2. Document Everything
Keep a stalking log. Include times, dates, and emotional impact. Take screenshots. Save voicemails. Everything matters.
3. Contact Law Enforcement—Directly to Detectives
Ask for a detective or a special victims officer. Bring your documentation. Push for a case number.
4. Enhance Your Personal Security
Install home security cameras. Change your routine. Alert trusted neighbors and friends. Let people know.
5. Get Support
Reach out to the Stalking Resource Center or local domestic violence shelters. They offer safety planning and emotional support.
The “Genesis” Victim: When the Stalker Never Really Leaves
One expert shared something I still think about: the “Genesis” victim—the one the stalker never forgets. Even if they fixate on others, they always circle back.
Joe has been quiet for a while. But that doesn’t mean he’s gone. It just means he’s watching from the shadows. I don’t live in fear anymore—but I live prepared.
Stalking is rarely linear. It’s a spiral. And sometimes, it comes full circle.
Frequently Asked Questions
What counts as stalking?
Repeated unwanted contact—calls, texts, visits, social media harassment, gifts—that causes fear or emotional distress.
Should I confront my stalker?
No. Any engagement, even negative, can fuel the obsession. Cut off all communication.
Do restraining orders work?
They can be effective, but enforcement is key. Some stalkers escalate after receiving one.
How can I prove I’m being stalked?
Keep a detailed log, collect all evidence (screenshots, voicemails, letters), and report to law enforcement.
Can stalking become violent?
Yes. Many cases escalate to threats or physical harm. Never assume a stalker will “just go away.”
Where can I get help?
Call the Stalking Resource Center at 855-484-2846 or visit victimsofcrime.org.