In the United States, over 25 million people—19.1 million women and 6.4 million men—have been stalked at some point in their lives. I am one of them. For more than a decade, a former coworker—let’s call him “Joe”—turned my life into a twisted game of cat and mouse, where I was the prey. His obsession transformed my world into a maze of shadows and paranoia, leaving me constantly glancing over my shoulder and questioning every sound in the dark.
My nightmare began in 2009, during a business trip to Manhattan. A few months later, Joe showed up at my home unannounced—after traveling more than 1,000 miles to do so. That was just the beginning. Soon, I was drowning in a relentless tide of phone calls, emails, letters, and social media messages. Bizarre packages would appear on my doorstep—T-shirts covered in love quotes and emails thick with sinister intentions. Some days, it felt like I was living in a horror movie that I couldn’t escape.
In desperation, I took to arming myself. I placed weapons around my house, never sure when Joe might decide to turn his threats into actions. But looking back now, I realize that some of the choices I made—reacting angrily, engaging at all—only seemed to fuel his obsession. I wish I had known then what I know now about the twisted psychology of stalkers and how best to handle them.
To uncover the truth about stalking—and learn what victims can really do to protect themselves—I spoke with experts who offered chilling insights and crucial advice.
What Stalking Really Looks Like
Stalking is more than just unwanted attention. It’s a form of psychological warfare designed to control and terrorize. According to the National Institute of Justice, stalking is “a course of conduct directed at a specific person that involves repeated (two or more occasions) visual or physical proximity, nonconsensual communication, or threats” that cause fear.
This crime can take many forms: phone calls, social media harassment, unsolicited gifts, even targeting loved ones. The intent is clear—to instill fear and assert control. Dr. Bahiyyah Muhammad, a criminology expert at Howard University, explains that stalking is about power. Unlike casual persistence, it’s a calculated and malicious campaign.
“When you reach the point where you’re afraid to answer your phone or look outside your window, that’s when it has escalated to full-blown stalking,” Muhammad told me.
Inside the Mind of a Stalker
Michael Proctor, a retired detective and author of Antidote for a Stalker, says there are three main types of stalkers: domestic violence/intimate partner stalkers, acquaintance stalkers, and stranger stalkers. What they all share is a pathological need for control. Many stalkers suffer from deep-seated loneliness and low self-esteem, but their obsession can quickly turn violent—especially when rejection is involved.
In their twisted logic, they believe they are the victims. “How could you not understand that I am the best thing for you?” is often their mindset, explains Muhammad.
The Mistakes I Made—and What I Wish I’d Done Differently
One of my biggest mistakes was responding at all. Experts say that any reaction—anger, fear, even a plea to stop—is seen by stalkers as validation. In hindsight, I should have cut off all contact immediately. But it’s easier said than done when you’re trapped in the middle of it.
Another critical error was not documenting everything from the start. Proctor advises keeping a detailed log of every incident—times, dates, what was said, and how it made you feel. This journal can become a powerful weapon if you need to go to the police.
The Truth About Restraining Orders
Contrary to what many believe, a restraining order isn’t always the magic shield it seems to be. As Proctor bluntly put it: “A restraining order is just a piece of paper unless someone is willing to enforce it.” In some cases, serving a restraining order can even provoke a stalker to escalate their actions.
The real power lies in law enforcement’s willingness to act. That’s why Proctor suggests bypassing patrol officers and going straight to detectives or a Special Victims’ Unit who specialize in these cases.
What You Can Do if You’re Being Stalked
If you believe you’re being stalked, here’s what experts recommend:
- Cut All Contact: Do not respond in any way. Even negative reactions can feed a stalker’s obsession.
- Document Everything: Keep a log of all incidents, including screenshots, voicemails, and texts.
- Report to Law Enforcement: Go directly to detectives if possible and provide them with your documentation.
- Enhance Security: Install cameras, change your routine, and inform trusted people about your situation.
- Seek Support: Contact advocacy groups for advice and emotional support.
The Haunting Reality of the ‘Genesis’ Victim
Perhaps the most chilling revelation was the concept of the “Genesis” victim—the one the stalker can’t let go, even if they pursue others. Many stalkers circle back to their original targets, sometimes years later.
This is why, despite the silence from Joe, I can never truly let my guard down. Stalkers don’t forget. They pause, they linger, and sometimes, they return.
Breaking Free
Stalking isn’t just a crime of obsession—it’s a life sentence for the victim, filled with invisible scars and a loss of freedom. While laws lag behind and restraining orders offer limited protection, knowledge and preparedness are powerful tools.
If you or someone you know is being stalked, you’re not alone. Reach out to the Stalking Resource Center at 855-484-2846 for help.
It took years for me to stop living in constant fear. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: The first step to breaking free is reclaiming your voice—before someone else tries to silence it for good
